spicyWow, it has been half a year since I last posted anything...well not such a surprise when you lead such a boring life such as I.
I watched the Justin Bieber movie, I do have two daughters, so they made me do it, at gun point no less.*cough cough* ANYWAY, I am glad though, I actually liked it. He is pretty tallented...for a girl. 
I like the one Ray William Johnson video on you tube where he says 'Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, hottest lesbian couple EVAR!'
Well I hope the one or two people who actually read my posts are in good heath ( I know, I know, there is a good likelyhood that is WAY over how many people actually do read my posts, I am just thinking positive).
Later people.
Happy new year everyone, hope this new year brings all that you are dreaming it will.
You know how dreams can seem real at times. I had one such dream two nights ago, of unfortunate (for me) subject matter.
I was not sure where I was, it was a huge open indoor space, like inside a warehouse maybe. I am not even sure what I was doing there, I just was there.
Suddenly a woman approached me. Someone I knew well, a girlfriend from my past.
In reality, our relationship ended over two and a half years ago, but in my dream, I forgot this fact or my brain just choose to omit the fact for the dream's sake. It was like the last two and a half years never happened.
She walked up to me and inquired as to why I had not been paying her any attention lately. My mind raced, as I could not remember talking her for quite some time. I was thinking to myself, how I have been neglecting her? How could I have forgotten her?
She told me that I blew it with her, that our relationship was over. I begged her to give me another chance, I told her I could not figure out why I had not talked to her for such a long time.
About then, I started waking up, but like dream in which I am falling, I was still in it as I came aware. I was still trying to figure out what was I thinking, why I forgotten her. Slowly, it crept into my mind, the truth, the fact, the realization that it was over, and had been over for a relatively long time now.
I sat up in my bed and shook my head to clear my mind.
Then, I realized my heart was pounding.
Thump thump, thump thump.
It hit me hard, as I realized that it felt like her and I just broke up all over again. The hurt, the cold empty feeling. The lost I will never meet anyone like that ever again feeling. All day she has been at the forefront of my conscious. I feel lost again, but, unlike the first time, I have not cried at all.
Her and I use to have a connection, or so it seemed. I wonder if it was her mind telling mine that if I had tried to get her back, it may have worked until now. If so, I wonder if she had a dream of me, begging her not to go. Begging her not to let me go.
Who knows.
I hear another amazing dog story.
A co-worker said she was outside with her dog and her toddler son. She suddenly heard her son screaming and cry and started to run to him but, could not see what was happening. Her dog ran to the baby as well, getting there first.
It was a wasp, stinging him, the dog knew right away and ate the insect, without hesitation. Her son had a few bee stings, and so did the poor dog, inside its mouth.
I wonder, if the dog faced the same situation today, would it do it again?
So, yeah, my childhood best friend has an older sister. I did not know her that well, she was quite a bit older than my friend and I when I first even met him. I did know her though, not well maybe, but I did know her.
Last weekend, on a warm sunny summer day, on a small country road, she somehow lost control of her car and crashed. No one was around, no one knows what happened, there where no other cars involved. She did not survive. 47 years old and she died in the crash.
I have not seen her for about 25 years.
My friend's family use to take me camping with them, almost every weekend from 5 years old until my parents bought there own camper when I was about 14, and still my family would go camping with his family and all his relatives. I have not seen any of them for about 20 years.
I seen them all last night, at her wake. It was nice to see them all again, but under the circumstances, very sad. Most of them said they had not seen her or talked to her in like 10 years.
Everyone lost touch with one another, everyone was busy living their own lives.
For some reason, the thing I found saddest of all, was this. Lise, thats her name, had meet a new guy and spent the last eight years of her life with him. No one knew him at the wake, he was nice and was having a hard time dealing with losing her in this manor.
But what I found so hard to deal with myself was his story of his dog he has, he said he owned the dog for about eight years before meeting Lise. He said the first time he came home with her, he lost his dog to her. He said the dog left his side to stay at her's. And that was the start for their eight year long relationship. It is so sad, because he begged the funeral home to let him bring the dog to the wake, and they did indeed let him. They allowed the dog to be at the wake.
I wondered if the dog understood what was going on. If he realized he lost her too, that she would never be coming back home.
I feel kind of messed up, like I am surrounded by darkness but, it is comforting in some way. I don't know what to think about anything anymore, but, I don't think I really care anymore. Not in a 'like whatever' type of way, like I have really let everything go. All the bad anyway, all the hurt and stuff, replaced by..numbness? Understanding? I have no idea, I feel sort of euphoric most of the time now, like I am drunk or stoned, but I am neither.
I feel bad in a way, I feel like I really let some people down. People I really cared about..not cared, that I care about still. Why does time always have to move forward?
I feel like a god, unless I stop to think about how I feel.
I have to stop thinking, and just keep living.
AND, stay way from love song..
